1. Property porn
Yep, you guessed it. You’ll fall in love with your destination and all the scrummy local produce you’ve bought. The result: you won’t be able to drag your noses away from the estate agent windows or take your thumb off the Rightmove app. You’ll be on the phone to your bank or mortgage advisor before you’ve left town, holiday home brochures on your lap – it could be an expensive journey home.
2. Weather avoidance
Whatever the weather when you’re on holiday in the UK, it doesn’t really matter. You’re on holiday. The rain’s never as wet. The wind’s never as blustery. The sun is always shinier. And even if, in the moment, you think otherwise, once the storm moves on or the clouds move away, your chosen destination will woo you back into that false sense that holiday destinations are just plain lovelier.
3. Fresh air
Every day you read or hear some research or survey results telling you that we all need to spend more time outdoors. When you’re stuck at your desk it’s easy to poo-poo these media spun stories. But your holiday, far from the sedentary world of your desk, will educate you otherwise. You will begin to crave fresh air and your boss wouldn’t like that.
4. Impulse to exercise
What often comes with being out in the fresh air, is increased mobility. It’s not just you. All around you’ll see ramblers, cyclists, joggers, runners, people running with babies in buggies. It’s endless and it’s infectious. Before you know it you’ll have bought sports kit and trainers in the local store (because you won’t have packed anything that required raising your heart rate unnecessarily). By the time you get home you’ll be sporting a pedometer. You will become obsessed with steps.
5. Fresh food
Well you might have started your holiday with a supermarket delivery, but then you discovered the local deli, independent eateries. Your meals will feature fresh local crab, surf and turf, giant garlic butter prawns, authentic Melton Mowbery pies, genuine Cornish pasties. Ok, we’ll stop. We’re drooling too. Surely we don’t need to say any more on this point.
6. Pimms o’clock
Pimms, gin, craft beer, sauvignon blanc, lemon lime and bitters. Whatever your tipple. Whatever time of day you usually supp it. You’ll start earlier and probably go on later. However slowly you may graze your way down your glass, this can’t be good for your health.
7. Friendly people
It’ll throw you for the first few days when people in the street nod or speak in your direction as they pass by. But you’ll come to savour this interaction with strangers. The newsagent, ice cream parlour and publican will know your order and maybe even your name by the time you come to leave. And as much as you’ll try not to like this familiarity, you’ll come to expect it wherever you go. You’ll need to retrain your brain if you’re heading straight back to city life.
8. Idyllic living
Naturally you’ll choose a holiday rental that fits your required sleeping arrangements and appeals to your personal comfort factor. But if you’ve selected well and got in early, you’ll find yourself desiring your surroundings for your own home. You’ll start creating mood boards to determine how you can incorporate certain interior design elements, decor, art, linen. Next you’ll be scouring local shops and boutiques for similar bed linen, rugs, cushion covers, tea towels, crockery and curtains. It could cost you an arm and a leg.
9. Squishy middle
Yes, you’ll get to the middle of your stay, finally starting to relax and realising that every delicious meal, taste of local goodies or treats could be the last. So you have ‘just one more’ scoop of clotted cream ice cream (or dollop of clotted cream on top of your ice cream if you’re in the south west), one more starter of local mussels swimming in local dairy cream sauce, one more chunk of local vintage cheddar, one more sip of local craft beer. Yes, you will forget that we live in a global marketplace where even small local producers now run ecommerce websites and have national or international distribution partners. And you’ll forget that your shirt collars were already getting a bit tight or your work trousers had already forgone their belt. You’ll be daring yourself to detox before you know it.
10. That Sunday night feeling
Anti climax. It sucks, doesn’t it. Why on earth do we put ourselves in such fabulous settings, book beautiful holiday lettings with access to delicious food only to whisk it all away again within days of starting. If all of the above isn’t bad enough for your health, add in this weighty wonder and you may as well stay at home.
11. Too late
Not booked for summer yet? If the aforementioned holiday horrors haven’t put you off, you’ll need to be quick. Summer is coming. Now that Easter is done with, there will be tinsel in the shops before you can say ‘Wimbledon washout’.
So it’s make your mind up time. If you can bear such an unhealthy interruption to your daily lives, there are some perfectly gorgeous holiday cottages still available for the summer holidays. And if you can’t face the upheaval, well, more fool you.